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Thank you for calling

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But please wait. Someone will be with you shortly, or before the end of the next leap year

But please wait. Someone will be with you shortly, or before the end of the next leap year

Thank you for calling EverHelpfulHelpline. Your call is important to us. Please wait.

All our operators are busy with other customers right now, which tells you they are more important than you. But please wait. Someone will be with you shortly, or before the end of the next leap year.

Meanwhile, listen to this music on loop. It is designed to help you chew off your nails, poke out your eyes, tear out your hair and throw your phone at the wall. Sorry, your call dropped. Please call back. Your call is important to us.

Sorry to keep you waiting for the last few hours. All our operators are busy. Actually, three have fallen asleep and four are on the terrace having a breakdown because of their mindless jobs and annoying customers like you. Nine are updating their social media profiles, 17 are gaming online and almost all are on job portals looking for other jobs. But someone will be with you shortly.

Meanwhile, listen to these promos about various services that we want to push, since you’re passively waiting on the line. Press 4 to buy a new service, and our busy operators will immediately un-busy themselves to accept your money. No? Please call back later.

Thank you for setting your alarm to wake up and call EverHelpfulHelpline at 3am. All our operators are busy being ever helpful to other customers. Press hashtag to go nowhere at all. All our operators have lives too, you know. Six are watching Indian Matchmaking and five are complaining to other helplines and one is telling 11 others about last night’s party. We only hire ambitious multi-taskers who can also talk to customers in their sleep.

Thank you for calling EverHelpfulHelpline. Your call will be monitored for something or the other. Please listen to this music that no one else can tolerate but we bought cheap. Press 8 for instructions you can’t understand or press 9 to return to the previous menu and wait all of tomorrow too. Sorry, we could not recognize the digits you pressed. It seems to be a four-letter word. Please try later.

Thank you for calling EverHelpfulHelpline. Due to our ever helpful high traffic, we could not address your complaint. Complaining is bad for your health. All our operators have found other jobs. Press 1 to apply for a job here.

Where Jane De Suza, the author of Happily Never After, talks about the week’s quirks, quacks and hacks



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